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| There was once upon a time....my heart would have leapt at the thought of the game we are playing now. The innuendos.....from you no less....but, that time is gone. For once in my life, I know what it feels like...I feel that fear of losing someone by that one confession. That one.....I have feelings.....for you. More often than not I've been the one to throw caution in the wind and just said to hell with it. I've always been turned down but still.....This time, is different. We've just been operating at this level that's.....we've just become these....people...that share this gawd only know what this is..............
NOW??!! You decide to play this game now?? At a time when I'm deciding....contemplating......dream of a future in which you don't seem to have a place.....
There was once when had a a place in that future...a very different future.....heck....the pull of it....even as I write this I can see my vision changing....adapting at the tantalising things that my heart thinks you are saying.....things that perhaps and most likely I imagine myself....
Right?
Now? You decide to play this game...............
now?
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| I fight the urge to run
back
with every fiber
of my being
The comfort
that comes
within
your arms
I feel
like saying
fuck
space
fuck
time
it is
here
now
But
it is
wrong
?
Time
is
needed
?
Space
is
needed
?
Thinking is
needed.
----
I
miss
you
Your
scent
warmth
hand
touch
(fingers holding) hair back
crush
Smile
Laugh
But I dare not
tell
For fear
of bias
of affecting
of old habits
Judgment is
needed.
-----------
I am sorry
for
saying these things
breaking the silence
contradicting myself
hurting
you
(and)
me
But I need it
said
stated
heard
read
let out
screamed
cried
hurled
Abusing me
my soul
Accosting me
my brain
Assaulting me
my heart
I am
Sorry
----------------
ps: been reading Bernice Chauly's Book of Sins
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| I saw Sy for the first time, since I turned him down for coffee, just now. Despite being in a relationship now. I can't help but feel like, I've missed out on something. It's....evil or something I know. But...I think, I really liked Sy. Things were just.......I don't know, at the time. I was seeing Alfred everyday and stuff, I mean, we were working together. At the time, dia pun kata...go have coffee with himlah....I just spaced out.....and spazed. I don't know. Too late now kan?
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| Funny how....now that I'm actually in a relationship.....I actually miss Baks even more......
Perhaps it's what Baks was to me...a kindred spirit.....an older brother....or perhaps even an older wiser version of myself.
Baks and I are alike in so many ways. Ways we see love and the people around us.
Perhaps what I miss most is going to him for advice and being able to confide in him and him implicitly understand what I mean.
I miss you Baks.
But I don't think, I can ever get back what we had.
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| I think perhaps Terence was right.....I'm scared of getting into relationships.....the romantic kinds at least....
And I think that perhaps I'm not ready.......heck even after gawd knows how long......
Tonight's just been....a roller coaster.........a small one perhaps...but it just confuses the hell outa me.....which annoys me to no end......I hate feelings this way....
Why is it that I end up feeling like this regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship....it's screwed up......i'm psychologically damaged or emotionally malfunctioning...
I want freedom and yet am possessive.....perhaps it's I see both sides of the coin at the same time........or perhaps I'm just plain selfish....
It just seems more justified to blame this on being single..........coz it sure as fuck hard to justify it now.......
Period.....i sense it coming........coz right now.....it's PMS season.......urgh.......
wait! I can blame it on PMS..........
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