Criseas's Xanga

now?

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 16:45:30 GMT

There was once upon a time....my heart would have leapt at the thought of the game we are playing now. The innuendos.....from you no less....but, that time is gone. For once in my life, I know what it feels like...I feel that fear of losing someone by that one confession. That one.....I have feelings.....for you. More often than not I've been the one to throw caution in the wind and just said to hell with it. I've always been turned down but still.....This time, is different. We've just been operating at this level that's.....we've just become these....people...that share this gawd only know what this is..............

NOW??!! You decide to play this game now?? At a time when I'm deciding....contemplating......dream of a future in which you don't seem to have a place.....

There was once when had a a place in that future...a very different future.....heck....the pull of it....even as I write this I can see my vision changing....adapting at the tantalising things that my heart thinks you are saying.....things that perhaps and most likely I imagine myself....

Right?

Now? You decide to play this game...............

now?

Secrets

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:58:36 GMT

I fight the urge to run
back
with every fiber
of my being

The comfort
that comes
within
your arms

I feel
like saying
fuck
space
fuck
time
it is
here
now

But
it is
wrong
?

Time
is
needed
?

Space
is
needed
?

Thinking is
needed.
----

I
miss
you

Your
scent
warmth
hand
touch
(fingers holding) hair back
crush
Smile
Laugh

But I dare not
tell

For fear
of bias
of affecting
of old habits

Judgment is
needed.
-----------

I am sorry
for
saying these things
breaking the silence
contradicting myself
hurting
you
(and)
me

But I need it
said
stated
heard
read
let out
screamed
cried
hurled

Abusing me
my soul

Accosting me
my brain

Assaulting me
my heart

I am
Sorry
----------------

ps: been reading Bernice Chauly's Book of Sins

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:05:12 GMT

I saw Sy for the first time, since I turned him down for coffee, just now. Despite being in a relationship now. I can't help but feel like, I've missed out on something. It's....evil or something I know. But...I think, I really liked Sy. Things were just.......I don't know, at the time. I was seeing Alfred everyday and stuff, I mean, we were working together. At the time, dia pun kata...go have coffee with himlah....I just spaced out.....and spazed. I don't know. Too late now kan?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 16:17:19 GMT

Funny how....now that I'm actually in a relationship.....I actually miss Baks even more......

Perhaps it's what Baks was to me...a kindred spirit.....an older brother....or perhaps even an older wiser version of myself.

Baks and I are alike in so many ways. Ways we see love and the people around us.

Perhaps what I miss most is going to him for advice and being able to confide in him and him implicitly understand what I mean.

I miss you Baks.

But I don't think, I can ever get back what we had.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 17:41:22 GMT

I think perhaps Terence was right.....I'm scared of getting into relationships.....the romantic kinds at least....

And I think that perhaps I'm not ready.......heck even after gawd knows how long......

Tonight's just been....a roller coaster.........a small one perhaps...but it just confuses the hell outa me.....which annoys me to no end......I hate feelings this way....

Why is it that I end up feeling like this regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship....it's screwed up......i'm psychologically damaged or emotionally malfunctioning...

I want freedom and yet am possessive.....perhaps it's I see both sides of the coin at the same time........or perhaps I'm just plain selfish....

It just seems more justified to blame this on being single..........coz it sure as fuck hard to justify it now.......

Period.....i sense it coming........coz right now.....it's PMS season.......urgh.......

wait! I can blame it on PMS..........

It Pours...

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 04:11:53 GMT

Not that I want to flaunt it into anyone's face....far from it...but it's just an observation on my life....

But everytime I get into a relationship.......the cherry blossoms come in full bloom and tons of other guys finally decide to get onto the "Let's ask Amelia out" bandwagon....and usually...painfully......sadly......a couple of days too late.....

GET WIT THE PROGRAM! ACT FAST! This is hot property!!!

KAKAKAKKA.........gawd....I ain't humble am I?

I'm Sorry

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 17:09:07 GMT

I feel sick.........

But not from the monster germs that I think I might have contracted from Z that has been ravaging my throat for the past 3 weeks.....I am so going to get a tonsillectomy......

No....I feel sick coz of what my friend said last night at dinner......

Yesterday, there was a massive jam into KL. Thanks to the lovely Malaysian police force with orders to try and stop the BERSIH Rally attendees from getting into town.........so, during dinner of coruselah the whole jam thing and protesters thing came up....and then my friend went......"Aiyo, protest for whatlah? just cause jams only. Just stay at home and let me get around with no fuss" or something to that effect...now I can't remember whether or not at that point in time, I'd already revealed that I was one of these 'stupid protesters causing my friend grief from her inability to get around town without a jam' but the attitude just shocked me........I suppose it should disturb me further that later that night during drink, the smae friend was more concerned that Badawi had remarried so soon after the death of his wife.....in retrospect, I'm a bit like...HELLO!!! The sate of your fucking crumbling semi decrepit country is less important than Badawi's remarrying??

Okay, I don't really expect everyone to come out and demonstrate...but really?? You'd rather staying in a country that is divide by it's race, religion and language....a farcical country that champions it's racial harmony yet still segregates it's people to rule them? What we call muhibah is nothing more than heightened ingrained racial tolerance. Our government spend billions of thing we DO NOT NEED.....Like sending a Space FlightDon't Participant into space and building Putrajaya........Okay so they realise that certain son-in-laws should not be in power...but don't they realise that he will be in power unless YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT??!!!

You might go..but what can I do? Just vote for oppositionlah......DO YOU THINK IT WILL REALLY MATTER? All you'll do is scare them...but that's it....coz the ELECTIONS AREN'T FAIR!!!!! IT'S ALL RIGGED!!!!

I'm sorry for screwing up your traveling for trying to change the way this country runs itself and hopefully getting people who are truly useful to this country finally into power...I am so sorry for believing in human rights and democracy...I am so sorry that I believe in something enough to get off my butt and do something about....I am so sorry for believing in the power of the people...I am so sorry for caring about my future and my country...I am so sorry to have ruined your day....

But what's wrong for wanting to change your world for you?

Coz you sure as fuck hell won't do it for yourself.........

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 08:30:51 GMT

不知道为什么, 突然觉得自己一个人好寂寞。

私が突然非常に孤独になぜ感じるがか知ってはいけない。

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 07:19:05 GMT

Flavor Of Life

Lyrics: Utada Hikaru Music: Utada Hikaru

*Arigatou, to kimi ni iwareru to
Nandaka setsunai
Sayounara no ato mo tokenu mahou
Awaku horo nigai
The flavor of life

Tomodachi demo koibito demo nai chuukanchiten de
Shuukaku no hi wo yumemiteru
Aoi FURUUTSU

Ato ippo ga fumi dase nai sei de
Jirettai no nan notte baby

*Repeat

Amai dake no sasoi monku
Ajikke no nai TOOKU
Sonna mono ni wa kyoumi wo sosorare nai

Omoi doori ni ika nai toki datte
Jinsei suteta mon ja nai tte

Doushita no? to kyuu ni kikareru to
Uun, nan demo nai
Sayounara no ato ni kieru egao
Watashi rashiku nai

Shinjitai to negaeba negau hodo
Nandaka setsunai
ishiteru yo?yori mo
aisuki?no hou ga
Kimi rashiin ja nai?
The flavor of life

Wasure kakete ita hito no kaori wo
Totsuzen omoidasu goro
Furi tsumoru yuki no shiro sa wo motto
Sunao ni yorokobitai yo

DAIAMONDO yori mo yawarakakute
Atataka na mirai
Te ni shitai yo
Kagiri aru jikan wo
Kimi to sugoshitai

*Repeat

Sonzaishinais translated version.

when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn
get undone even after the good bye.
the faintly burning pain.
The flavor of life

Neither friends nor lovers, in uncertain terms
like an un-ripened fruit dreaming about the day of harvest
because of being unable to just move one more step forward
why is it that i am irritated?

when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn
get undone even after the good bye.
the faintly burning pain.
The flavor of life

Sweet talk and tasteless poison.
i have no interest in them
even if things do not go the way you want them
Life is not something to give up on

When asked ?what wrong??br> i answer ts nothing?br> losing my laughter
after the good bye isn like me.

the more i wish to believe in you,
for some reason the more it hurts
 like you?instead of  love you?is more like you right?
the flavor of life

when i suddenly remember the scent of the person that is nearly forgotten
i remember the whiteness of the piled up snow and i want to feel happy honestly

a future tender and warmer than a diamond
i want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to live it with you

when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn
get undone even after the good bye.
the faintly burning pain.
The flavor of life

- sorry i used some of the translations already used by others. i felt the need to translate it to show how much the lyrics reflect the drama yd2′ :p well enjoy -

Friday, March 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 11:23:25 GMT

目前的我, 在乎的是曾经拥有, 而不是天长地久。

It's like Kenny's little theory. Women before the mellenium were the ones who wanted commitment. Now, after it seems like it's the men who want it more than women. I take it a step further......or I would if I can remember exactly what my extension of his theory was........haha....probably something along the lines of girls are more into flings and short terms things? But it's basically the same as that isn't it?

Maybe I've just been single for so long...I just want someone to remind me what it's like to be in a relationship.......actually I don't...I just want someone to want me.........to like me....to care for me.........I don't know....it's just so....yea....

anyways.........I'll be keeping a lower profile on this blog fro abit..........to concentrate on the other blog..........so check therelah....for mundane matters......and daily upcates...haha.......